An unauthorized unfinished biography of John Smoltz
John Andrew Smoltz, was born in Warren, MI on May 15, 1967. His parents knew they had something special when at the age of three he took apart the engine of his father's '69 Corvette and used the pieces to build an exact replica of downtownJacksonville, Florida. When he started school the teacher announced on a Friday that there would be show and tell on Monday. John showed up that Monday with three Vietnam POWs. Much like Jesus, not much is really known about John's adolescence, except that he did write four episodes of Three's Company. John made his major league debut on July 23, 1988. Some fans were taken aback when he entered the game from underneath the mound holding the head of Satan and cryptically repeating the words "no more, no more!" John broke his bat once and proceeded to hit a double off the right field wall using only his bare hand. In 1996 he won 24 games for the Braves. John spends his off seasons in the Himalayas where he kills yaks and fashions his gloves from their rotting flesh. On September 12, 1997 on a dare from teammate Mark Lemke, John ate an entire bat during the seventh inning stretch. John Smoltz can spit up to 26 feet. He batted .274 in 1999. He's a pitcher. John Smoltz lives inside a volcano and plays a flute he made from the femur of an Al Qaeda assassin. When John injured his shoulder saving Samuel L. Jackson's uncle from a Giant Squid, he moved to a closer where he had a 1.12 ERA in 2003 and from 2002 to 2004 he saved 144 games for God's favorite baseball team the Atlanta Braves. Smoltz wrote Courtesy of the Red White and Blue for Toby Keith (note the Braves team colors) but the target of all his anger was not Iraq it was former New York Yankee Scott Brosius. In 2005, John won the Roberto Clemente award for his work with the Atlanta Food Bank, children's healthcare and saving the lives of fourteen baby dolphins when an oil tanker crashed off the shores of Chile. In 2006, John will begin his 19th season with the Braves yeah that's right one team. John doesn't jump around the league playing for whatever team throws him the biggest bone like some players do. I'm looking at you Tom Glavine. He will be there standing up against injustice, evil, tyranny of those teams who try to buy a World Series. John Smoltz is a hero to anyone who breathes air and believes in God and country.
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